Do I Change As I Grow Older, Or Change Because I'm Older

I looked in the mirror today and saw me. I'm 20 and am an adult. I will be 21 in 3 months and I'll still be an adult then. I'm not growing older, I am older. I am where I was supposed to be 10 years ago.

How many times have I looked myself in the mirror and asked If I was on the right path? And how many times did I answer Yes with confidence? Every single time.

But now, today, I could only ponder and say I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I was on the right path. It's strange because when I was 16, 17, 18 and 19, I assumed that confidence was never an issue for me and no problem was too large for me. As such, a simple question of whether I was on the right path was easy to answer. Yes.

But now? I'm honestly not sure.

And does that make me less confidence or less determined? I thought it did. I thought maybe I was losing that drive.

But I was wrong. I have never felt more confused and more worried about my future before. But I know I am where I am supposed to be. Right here. At this moment. Questioning every single action I had done till this moment and questioning every single action I will be doing from this point forth.

Do I regret certain things I had done in the past? Yes. I am human after all. There are some things if I had not done, would have made certain things easier in the past. But more so, I regret the methods I used to get them done. But I don't wish I done them differently.

Am I proud of myself? I'm not sure. Am I proud of the people around me? Yes. I've always been that way. Disappointed when others are with themselves, happy when others are excited, depressed when others are heartbroken. But never feeling things for myself. The same goes for achievements. I don't personally care for any major achievement I have garnered. They have never mattered to me. Making sure others felt important and were doing something with their lives did matter to me which is why I carried on doing what I did.

But am I willing to be proud of myself. I just realised today, when I looked myself in the mirror, I am ready. I am old and matured and I am ready to start feeling proud of myself. I am changed and am ready to accept the actions to adapt to that change.