You held your head high and straightened your back. You pulled out your phone, clicked a few random buttons before chucking it back into your pocket as you walked by her and just...just barely glanced at her (even though you were dying to stare at her for hours on length) and smiled a whaz-up-girl-i'm-just-chillin-in-the-hallways smile.
Yeah...that didn't happen, did it? Instead as you were walking by her you channeled the klutz energy of the world and practically tripped over your own foot and barely...just barely caught yourself, ignoring her and praying to god she didn't see that. God, did that day suck. You went home and chastised yourself for making that fundamental mistake and everyday after that you hoped she hadn't already branded you as the klutz of the school.
Beyond that every second you spent with her was a memory you stored away for future refrences. You tried to say witty things before her. Most of the time you succeeded and she'd laugh at your jokes making you puff out your chest like a lion preening before his mate. But then other times, she'd just give you a polite smile and you wonder if you did or said something wrong. And you begin to review every single action just so you can pinpoint the problem. But the thing is, the only 'wrong' thing you did... was to 'like' her.
You see, she started sensing you're feelings for her. Tiny hints that you dropped here and there, she caught them. Oh yes she did. She wasn't dumb. She was just good and covering up her reactions. So she thought instead of coming to a moment where you would confess and she would have to reject you, she'd just avoid the whole ordeal by setting boundaries.
But you were young and you didn't get it back then. So those boundaries...yeah...you didn't see them. So it went on like this for awhile and soon you found yourself feeling confused and most of all hurt. Didn't she like you? What was wrong with you? What did that guy, whom she flirted with, have that you didn't have? What did you have to do to make her like you that way? What could you do?
Honestly, nothing. She just was....the wrong girl.
Then you finished school and you saw the crush for what it was.... a crush. So you shrugged your shoulders, dusted off those times and told yourself you were going to find the right girl. And she was going to love you for you. A year went by and nothing happened. Oh some girls came and went but none for whom you had any strong affection for.
And then she came along. Oh she! She with her witty comments and her intelligent mind. She with her outspoken ways and loving manners! She with her....you get it.
So you decided to court her as knights of the old would have. If your group of friends decided to meet up, you'd meet up with her earlier so that you guys could have a conversation alone. And she went along with you! She seemed to enjoy your company and she laughed at all your jokes...sometimes louder and longer than the joke's expectancy was supposed to be....but that's not the point! The point is the two of you got along so well!
Soon she was dropping hints of wanting more from the friendship and you were pleased. Because here, for the first time was a girl was reciprocating your feelings. You pinch yourself to make sure it's real and then you decide to go in for the kill (ignore the murder-like connotation). You decide you want to propose to her. So you start turning group outings into dates. The two of you spend more time alone and evantually you are at a position where there is nothing left to do but propose.
Being the knight in shinning armour that you are, you decide to make it romantic and you plan the whole thing out. There's dinner, then a romantic walk and then you lovingly hold her in your arms and ask, "Will you be my girlfriend?" And she looks up into your eyes and smiles adoringly (all this while, the theme song of titanic plays in the background) and whispers....."Yes."
And that one word makes your heart skip like it never did before. The two of you share a kiss and as you hold her in your arms, you make a promise that you'll treasure this girl forever and protect her from the dangers of the world.
That lasted for at least a year.
You see, the two of you enjoyed your honeymoon period for awhile. She called you late at night, you called her late at night. The two of you talked until someone fell asleep on the phone if not you'll would play the ever present lover's game of "No you hang up first....No you....No you go first....Okay fine, let's count to three and we'll both put down the phone..Okay...one, two, three!......hello...haha Come on! You were supposed to put down the phone...You go first....No you...." Yes. Well. You get it. It is a horridly annoying game but when you are in love, it surprisingly becomes fun to play.
Other than that, the two of you were inseperable. You'll would text lovey dovey messages to one another. You would share your food and drinks with her. You would eat what she liked. The two of you would hold hands wherever you went....and that was everywhere. And she'd cuddle up to you on bus rides and you'd feel all man and powerful.
But shit happens.
You guys just grew apart....some might say you changed....or she changed...or you both did. Others might say...the two of you just got into a relationship too fast. But what do they know? It's not like they were ever in a long lasting relationship. So they were just giving opinions based on pure logic. But you. You experienced it. And you knew what went wrong and what went right. Even if it took you awhile to realise. So what was it? What went wrong? What did she do that caused the break up? What did you do? What could the both of you have done to save the relationship? Could you have done anything?
The truth is...no. She just was.....the wrong girl.
So after awhile of mourning and self pity and long long painfully long calls with your friends, you decide it's time to move on. You begin to enjoy yourself once again. You don't think about her much....I said much. You still did think about her. Just not that much. But you were moving on....slowly.
Time passed, a year or so, and you were back. You loved life and you were looking forward to finding the girl you would come to love. Because you believed that you had learnt from your mistakes and would be able to make better decisions.
But time went by and you made more friends but none were potential girlfriends. After awhile you didn't care. You told yourself that if she came along...that brilliant. If she didn't then she evantually would. But you were not hard up for a girl.
But then she came along. And your heart skipped a beat.
This time, it wasn't a "Holy Mother Mary! I'm in love!" kind of situation. This time, the feelings crept up on you slowly and unexpectedly. She was not what you imagined but you liked her for her quirks. She seemed different and she was vulnerable. And you really liked her sense of humour; different it was from most others. But you liked it. But a relationship was not what you had in mind...yet. You wanted to get to know her better so you hung out with her and she with you.
Soon you realised that despite what others said, the two of you had alot in common and you both enjoyed each other's company. As the year went by your feelings for her grew but you never told her of them because you knew she was fragile and you didn't want to make things worse for her. So, being the nice guy that you are, you held back.
But....you soon became the 'friend'. You know....the guy who the girl calls to talk to when she's bored, hurt, bored, drunk, bored, bored.....you get the picture. You were confused....again. You thought to yourself, "I shouldn't be confused. I should have my shit together. I should know what to do." But alas. You are mere mortal. Hence you didn't know what to do.
So this went on for awhile. And you soon became restless. You soon decide that you wanted more. So you garner up your confidence and courage and talk to her.
It didn't go so well.
Turns out she didn't like you that way....but she treasured your frienship. GOD DAMN IT! WHY!?!?!?! WHY GOD WHY!?!?!?! You curse inside and stare at her stoically on the outside. You appear calm on the exterior but inside, you were loading your AK-47 and shooting down every god damn girl that ever lived to torture your very soul. So as you nod your head in understanding and attempt to explain this to her, in your head, you went on a complete killing spree and even managed to throw some grenades around to destroy several romantic buildings such as the Eiffel tower and the Taj Mahal.
CURSE THOSE WHO ARE IN LOVE!
You smile at her and say it's okay. The two of you will be friends.
It wasn't easy. You still liked her. But you were trying. You knew that it was a lost cause and you did treaure her friendship so you tried.
But you couldn't help but wonder, "What did I do wrong?", "Should I have asked her way earlier?", "Is it her?", "Am I not her type?", "Does she like someone else?", "Could I have done anything better?", "What was it?"
The truth? Nothing. She was just....the wrong girl.
It's going to happen. You're going to make a mistake. You're going to want the wrong thing. You're going to hate yourself. You're going to question your every move and you're going to have a million bad memories.
But it's okay. You're only human.
And it's not that those girls were bad or you'll shared horrid memories. You had good memories with them and they were nice. They were just the wrong girl. Sometimes it takes you a million mistakes to then make the right choice. And when you do. It's going to be worth it.
Because then, you would have met the Right Girl.
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